My freshmen year of college, I had to write a paper commenting on this women's own essay about how she didn't like treadmills because you were running without a destination and if you were running or walking without a destination then what was the point. It was at this point in my life where I had realized that college wasn't about learning more pointless facts that in the real world prolly wouldn't do me much good. But rather college was an exercise in learning to think. So when I was given this paper, and I was talking about the assignment and the paper at dinner with my Mom, she got agitated. She didn't agree with the writer to put it lightly. And as we talked through the essay because I didn't have enough experience at the time.. I thought that both sides were right more or less. It wasn't till this last week that I full understand where my Mother was coming from.
Maybe I am my mothers daughter. Maybe the inevitable happened.. maybe it took me going across the atlantic ocean to realize how much my Mother and I are alike. I'm going to say this goes under "a blessing and a curse" category of live. As crazy as my Mother is.. as wacky and out there she appears.. she has never apologized for being who she is. Which is what I admire the most. I can only hope to be that comfortable in my own skin one day. And while she isn't perfect and she makes mistakes.. there isn't anyone I would rather be compared to. She always told me I was the most like her and I dont know if she just saw something I didn't or I was just being a teenager who needed to rebel in any way they could. But I guess I see it now. Or atleast I'm beginning to.
I was never that active of a child except for swimming and as I got older swimming became a place where the world would quiet and I could not think for awhile.. as if my body was on autopilot and there wasn't any judgements.. everything fell to the side. (this is what the women in the essay didn't like.. she didn't like going on autopilot) And I suppose swimming and running are like the same thing...its repetitive and most people find it boring. But like my Mother said back in freshmen year, there isn't anything wrong with going on autopilot.. to give right brain time to wonder while the left side does all the work. Since my shoulder surgery I cant swim anymore.. atleast for another couple of months. And with all the over stimulation here and everything Im learning and trying to take in.. I have found myself restless and wanting to swim.. to be active. So friday, on my day off, I woke up and decided I was going to go for a walk/run. It was a good run.. I havn't ran since b4 the surgery soo I didn't go far.. or run all that hard but I left feeling empowered and a bit more clear headed. I even found myself at parts taking off my headphones because there were soo many thoughts that were trying to be heard that the music just became annoying.
I have been trying to work through some gray areas of my life. I feel like when you watch peoples lives outside of the situations it is so easy to judge them. But really when it boils down.. every situation has so many shades of gray that its almost impossible to judge them. I have done things in my life that I'm not necessarly proud of but I wouldn't take any of them back because it was exactly what I wanted at the time. And if I hadn't of done things then I would have spent my life wondering what would have happend if I had acted on my feelings. And now I'm in a place in my life where I no longer have to worry about taking care of another person..I dont have to worry about making any one happy but myself. I'm in Europe for 4 months, this is one of those times in your life where you have a small window of opportunity to be free. i dont have a job.. i dont have much responsibily (except to show up to class) i don't have a boyfriend.. so im going to do things that may be out of character. im going to do things that some people don't agree with. Because no matter how dumb or stupid it may appear to the outside world.. you can't say you have lived until you have fallen down a couple times. and hell, as libby likes to say "Im creating my secret wild past."
Good Morning Ireland and Goodnight America.
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well, honey, i'd say you made this old mother's LIFE. i love you forever, meggie moo...
ReplyDeleteI'm not certain why Meg ... but I teared up reading this post ... with the kind of (seasonal) tears that feel so very comforting. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteMeg! So this is really good. You know life is really a lot like a painting, your stroke may fall and fail at times, but it is those mistakes that really bring the whole vision into focus, because to you that is truly how you wanted to express yourself at the time. And if you live your life limited to what other people think of you then their gazes will fall dolefully over the sunny grass and discolor it, kinda like a bad landscape painting lol. I wrote about this for my Virginia Woolf term paper actually haha. Anyways, keep up it and don't sweat the small stuff, we're in another fuckin continent! Have a ball!
ReplyDeleteSo when you write your memoir about your "Ireland year" you can call it "My Secret Wild Past."
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing so much of what you are experiencing. I hear you about the fun/pain combo. When I did a semester in Germany (complete with jaunts to Paris for French onion soup, Italy to see the Piazza San Marco, and a week in Ireland), I remember that it was full of cool new stuff and lots of discomfort. We used to walk across the Rhein River at 7:00 a.m. in January and February and freeze our tushies off -- which of course I complained to my parents about. When they came to visit it was Easter Sunday, and that same bridge was full of sunshine, flowers, and folks in lederhosen. "It's beautiful," they said. "What were you talking about?!"
Enjoy your days. Be brave. You will remember this time.