Sunday, December 20, 2009

the time of my life...

The last week or so of being in Ireland was craziness and I seem to have found myself a week home already and barely coming up for air now.

Because I rushed everything in at the end and after finals went to the wedding of one of my Irish relatives and then quickly got on a plane after wards.. I felt like I didn't really have much time to process the saying of goodbyes to Dublin. Part of me was relieved, because I'm not really good with goodbyes. I am usually a blubbering idiot when it comes to saying goodbye to people. So I guess I have found myself in a position of dealing with so many different emotions all at once I can barely keep track of this roller coaster I am on.

It was the other night while sitting around a scrabble board game in a friends basement when someone asked me "So, you said you learned so much about yourself, what did you learn exactly." I love it when people ask you questions that appear to be so simple but yet I still haven't even been able to begin to know everything that I learned. But I'm going to give it a shot now..

1. I learned that no matter how crazy the people around you think your choices are if your following your heart and listening to yourself, you can never make a bad decision. Its taken me awhile to figure out what if i listened to my instincts in the first place i could have saved myself a lot of drama and heartache. When I found myself applying and accepting to go to Ireland the voice wasn't just telling me but screaming. it was hard to ignore. And then after I got there I didn't really have the family and friends around me that I'm so used to bouncing ideas off of and so I found myself in situations that I didn't really have anyone to listen to but myself. And so at one point, I said to myself 'alright for once i'm going to listen to you first and see where it leads me,' I've been doing that since and having great success with it. lol.

2. No regrets. Things go wrong, people make mistakes, I make mistakes. There isn't any point in beating yourself up over it. It was only a waste of time if you didn't learn anything from it. Even if your left brokenhearted, it doesn't mean it wasn't worth your while.

3. I can pretty much do anything I set my mind to. Believing a theory and believing a practice are two different things. You can know something in theory that you can do anything and have the options but to know because you have taken yourself out of your comfort level and actually done things you thought you never in a million years would, is empowering.

4. A sense of pride for myself. I think a lot of people spend their whole lives wanting to make someone in their life proud of them. But when I look back on the past couple of years and see everything I accomplished and how I made it all happen.. I'm proud of myself and that's something that no one can ever take away from me. So I guess what I'm trying to say is.. why waste your life seeking the approval of someone when really the only persons approval you really need is your own.

5. Making judgments. Deep down we all do it, and we all know that its not the nicest thing to do but I guess its just the way it is. So while you can say till your blue in the face that you don't make judgments or that you shouldn't/wont, I know I still will but I did see the power of moving pass my judgments and actually getting to know someone.

6. somethings you don't apologize for. the way you feel, as irrational and as stupid as it may appear to the outside world, it is your truth. no justifications needed. and while the world may not revolve around me..making sure i am fed and well rested generally leads to a better world for all parties involved.

7. sometimes you just have to leave it up to the universe to decide for you. trying to define everything and make everything fit into a box is worthless. letting things go and allowing them the freedom to define themselves over time isn't.

Those are only a few things.. I'm sure there are plenty of things i have yet to even started to comprehend. I am going to miss Dublin and Ireland. I think part of me found a home there I never knew I had and to be honest I feel like deep down in my heart, its only a goodbye for a short while, one day I will go back and maybe even stay. But for now as I look back on my time in Ireland, it was everything I ever dreamed that it would be and more. I for sure feel like I may have left my heart there... I'll be seeing you Ireland. Peace Out.

While my life may not be as eventful as it was in Ireland.. my new blog is:

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

finals and headaches

finals ended up being not so great. on the bright side all the studying i did for pagan celts and hero tales managed to pay off. I wrote 5 essays and was pretty confident about them. on the not so bright side i managed to get a migraine in the beginning of my hero tales final.

about a year ago, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. it turned out to be one of the scariest days of my life as well. the headache was so bad I couldn't keep anything down even after there was nothing left in me. And it quickly escalated to me not being able to answer simple questions such as "what time is it" or even writing my own name. It was as if something had turned off in my brain and there were no connections being made from my thinking to me being able to put things into action. Needless to say I saw a neurologist afterwards and she explained everything and sent me on my way with a hand full of medicine should it ever happen again. It seems to happen about every 6 months that I get a blinding migraine that leaves me in my room unable to move. Sensitivity to light is a big factor.

The Irish don't take finals like the Americans do. Its alot more strict and is alot more stressful. I felt like I was taking the SAT again. they send you to an offcampus sight where its easily 1500-2000 students in 1 room and the lights in the room are horrible. so has they shown down on me.. I could feel the migraine starting to swiral around in my brain. I tried to finish the exam as quickly as possible but it didn't help that it look the people about a half hour to collect my test. When I got home, Sean had made me an amazing dinner that I couldn't eat.

The thing about the migraines that make them scary at least to me is that they are pretty much unpredictable. They have a mind of their own and its really just me going along for the painful ride.. and I've never been away from home or away from my neurologist when I had one. So I took all my medicine and went to sleep. I still woke up and got sick even though the medicine is supposed to prevent that from happening. It was in that moment I knew that it was my bodies way of saying it was time to come home.

I still woke up and went to my last final on Tuesday..but being that I couldn't study the night before I don't think I did very well. Sometimes you just have to accept when there is nothing you can do about it and just move on. It is a little disappointing because Sociology was the closest class to my major but there is nothing I can do about it now.

Monday, December 7, 2009

coming up to the finish line..

Well I've managed to woke up this morning and see the finish line right in front of me. I woke up at 7am and finished my feminism final and passed it in by 8:30. Not my best piece of work but after about 3000 words you can't help but ramble. Today I have an exam at 3:00 (Pagan Celts) and 6:00 (Hero Tales). Its nice to get the two exams that are connected out of the way the same day, though studying for them was a bit daunting because it was the same stuff over and over again since Wednesday. Last night around 7, I hit my "If I don't know it now, I'm not going to know it tomorrow morning" slump. I always reach it. It feels like your brain has been expanded so much that to fit anything more in would just be too much. All my exams this semester are essay questions.. its a blessing and a curse. While I generally can b.s a paper without too much effort.. b.sing a paper that I have no prior knowledge on the subject is more like pulling teeth. At this point though I feel like I have the bare bones and the basic grasp of these things the Irish call tales. By the end of the day there should be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. (Hopefully)

Not only have I been studying since Wednesday. I also managed to have an allergic reaction to the medicine that the doc gave me. My Mother managed to not inform me that my father is allergic to amoxicillin. I would have thought that would be information that you would include with what my blood type is but I guess not. Soo I noticed bumps like bug bites that didn't itch all over my body. it took a few days bc there were a few on my arm but then they grew in number and then started going from my arms, to my neck, to my stomach and to my back. I stopped taking the medication and on Saturday I called the doc and was told to go to the St. James Hospital clinic. Soo Annabelle and I hopped a cab and went down to the hospital. She gave me another slip and a note that could technologically get me out of my exams till the 12th but I was told its a real bitch and a half trying to retake exams

So while all of this is going on I also have the wedding and the arrival of DeeDee to prepare for. I have started to pack up my room. While it may seem premature, I have noticed that I need to do things like packing up my life in stages to help make the process a little more bare-able. Anyways, back to the wedding soo I decided that I wanted to look for a dress. Fashion in Ireland, lets just say its not really my style. I wouldn't say that I dress conservatively but I guess my style is more of a classic look then anything else. I wear alot of cotton and go for more simple verses fussy. I remember getting in fights with my mother as a kid about clothes and what I would and wouldnt wear. There may have been battles. I hated things that were puffey and that itched and baggie. I may not have been the easiest child to dress. So here in Ireland, the fashion is the shorter the better. And the quality for the price is just not something I can bring myself to pay for. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind spending the money on something that will last but something paper thin isn't worth 100 euro to me. Not any day of the week.

So after looking in 100 stores trying to find something that didn't show off too much skin, after all one of the things Mommy said to me was : Don't embarrass DeeDee. So being that I am going to a wedding with Deedee and to an event that culturally is different then anything I've been to before, I figured the more conservative the better. Soo I walked into Laura Ashley. I remember my Mother dressing me in Laura Ashely clothes as a little girl. I found a black dress that was simple and on sale. Yes, On sale. The only thing was.. it was a bit too long. I looked a little like a 12 year old. I'm 22, you would think this wouldn't be an issue but sadly it is ( i know i won't mind when im 40 and i look 30). So I didn't buy the dress then, I held off, but sometimes this thing happens where I'll find something and its like it just calls me for days after. That is generally when I go back and buy it. Soo on Saturday I went back, looked at the dress again and the sales women told me a place close by to have it shortened. Because I decided that if the dress was just shorted to about my knee it would be perfect. I'm really excited to pick it up on Wednesday. :-)

I think I may be making a last and final trip in Ireland on Wednesday to Belfast. It would end up being a really long day but being that its been finals and I've been soo worn out I haven't really been able to see any more of Ireland. I have this inkly of a feeling that I'll be back so its not that big of a deal, but I just sometimes wish that I had more time. But, don't we all. Alrighty, time to get back to studying.

Good Morning Ireland and Good Morning America.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

busy busy bee

Well my days in Ireland are numbered at this point. I started out the month well with a nice sinus infection. It this point, I can diagnose them myself. So I braved the Irish winds and went to the doctor. I was able to get some of my favorite Marks and Spencer soup. :-) Hopefully, I will be better in a few days.

So right now I am beginning to start getting into study mode. Or at least I have made the realization that I should be getting into study mode. Irish schools give final exams much differently then American schools. As of right now, I have 3 exams, each exam consisting of 3 essay questions. To which I have no idea what they will be.. and the exam is worth about 80% of my grade in every class. If that isn't a recipe for success I'm not sure what is. Also we have to walk 2 miles to get to the testing center. I'm not really looking forward to this experience I have to admit. I just wish I was done with school. I'm a wee bit burnt out.

I feel like there are so many things I still want to do in Ireland that I haven't gotten a chance to do and at this point I have no time to do any of them. Deedee,Uncle Ed and Aunt Sheila will be arriving next week and I'll be spending the weekend with my Irish relatives at a wedding. Hopefully my life will lead me back to Ireland at some point..

Good Evening America.. Goodnight Ireland.

Monday, November 30, 2009

i asked for a sign and then a fox appeared.

When you know something painful is coming, your first response is to brace yourself for whatever may be coming your way. Even if its something that can't be seen.. many a time you want to revert back to when your a child and if you close your eyes and hide your face the scary thing thing won't get you. Most of the time its not the actual entity or the action but the fear that paralyzes you. Fear. It's a bitch. While in many cases it keeps you from hurting yourself. at what point does that fear just hold you back and not able to experience something that could turn out to be wonderful and scary all at the same time.

And the idea of holding on or letting go. The two most common things I've heard in my life is : if you love something you set it free and if it comes back it was always yours and if it doesn't it never was. and if you find someone worth loving never give up. don't let it slip through your hands.

Well if those aren't the most conflicting messages in the world, then i don't know what are. How do you know when to stand up and fight for what you believe it and when to sit down and shut up and just let the universe take care of it.

There has been many times in my life where I find myself at a crossroads, knowing the direction in which I need to take but still having some hesitation. And call it childish, say its naive, but I find myself sometimes put it out to the universe for some guidance. I simply ask for a sign. Something to tell me I'm doing the right thing. And most the time I either forget what the sign was or nothing happens. But there was one time where I was driving Tjay home and I just had a feeling that something was in the woods. This feeling of being watched and idk maybe it was in my head but at night I always felt like Sean (a friend who died in Devonwood) was watching the cars drive in and out at night. And soo I said to myself "Alright Sean, if your there show me." And as I drove home when I got the main gate, there is the driveway across the street was a fox. It looked straight at me and scurried away. I suppose it all depends on what you believe in but in that moment, chills went down my spine. Later, I asked my mom what a fox was a symbol of and she said they were messengers.

Soo the other night, while I was unable to sleep. As the idea of leaving Ireland was beginning to sink in and the realization of what I would be leaving behind was slowly creeping into my mind. And I sat there afraid. Afraid of which path to choose.. at how unfair the world can be and questioning the idea of fate and destiny. And soo I asked for a sign again. I said "Ok, if its meant to be, the fox that Annabelle saw will appear." And 10 minutes later, a fox ran right across the center of Belgrove. Not in the bushes, not in the unlit areas. Right out in the middle of the grounds with all the lights on. coincidence? or is the universe trying to tell me something? only time will tell i suppose..

soo I kinda made a turkey on saturday..

There are about 4 or 5 things I consider to create a Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, Canned Cranberry, Green bean casserole,mashed potatoes, apple pie and maybe the pumpkin cheesecake my mother soo lovingly makes just for me.

I just I didn't really think about what it would be like not being home for Thanksgiving. I suppose I should have made more of a conscience effort to prepare myself. But it seemed that after my weekend in Paris (which was exhausting) the idea of not being home seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was that I wasn't really getting along with some friends (you spend as much time as we all do together and its bound to happen) or I was coming down with a cold.. but it made me miss home more then ever. I have already figured out that thing they call homesickness comes in waves. Sometimes small waves that you can see coming and sometimes huge ones that slam you to the ground when you're just coming up for air. As the time I have left here comes to a close and its coming up faster and faster the idea of leaving is bittersweet. To be around friends and family who understand your quarks and are still obligated to love you is a blessing.

UCD sponsored a Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday but I had a feeling to go and try to pretend that the food they were serving would be anything remotely as good as what the rest of my family was eating would be like window shopping. Just cruel. Don't try to sell me tofu and tell me its turkey. I won't believe you. So Sean and I walked to Tesco and we found turkey. It was frozen. Apparently turkeys aren't from Ireland. who knew? Soo we decided on the spot that we would make thanksgiving dinner on Saturday (giving the turkey time to thaw) and that we would make a small roasted chicken. So on Thanksgiving day, I made with my own two little hands (because Sean seemed to have work to do for school right around 4, making him M.I.A, boys are smart) I made a roasted chicken with stuffing, grilled garlic spinach, and baked sweet potato. After a bottle of wine though I managed to talk Sean into walking with me to get some ice cream for dessert and made a brownie sundae with barley's. It was amazing.

I'm not sure if cooking for Brad gave me complex but I seem to nit pick at everything I make and expect people to do nothing but complain about it. Sean did nothing but praise my meal and told me it was a good practice bird for Saturday. Wonderful. We managed to get left overs out of the bird and I still was able to have cold chicken and cranberry sandwich for lunch the next morning. Yummy. I can pretend atleast right?

I spent black Friday shopping with Shannon. It was relaxing.. though I went to look for a European dress for the wedding but apparently my taste isn't European enough bc I couldn't bring myself to buy anything that looked like it was from the 80's. I got back around 6 and began working on making an apple pie from scratch. I've made pie before at at home we have this wonderful thing called Pillsbury Dough Boy. It means you don't ever have to make pie crust again. Well not in Ireland, in fact I asked if they had pie crust and the women looked at me like I was nuts. I guess crust is called pastry here, not that they make it here anyways.. Soo I decided I wanted my apple freaking pie and I was going to make my own pie crust. So after finding a rolling pin and a pie pan that wasn't really a pie pan (its a cake pan, but you use what you can find here in Ireland).

So it was a Friday night and there I was peeling apples and rolling out dough till 10..determined to create an edible pie. I wouldn't let anyone eat it till Saturday though.

So Saturday, I woke Sean up and we walked to Tesco again and grabbed the last minute stuff and he tells me he has to meet a friend to do some project at 2. (I had to put the turkey in at 3) Again.. boys are just soo clever. Soo with a little help from Annabelle..we couldn't figure out how to get the neck out. I'm not really a big fan of touching raw meat, especially raw meat that is still in the shape of its once alive form. But I pulled through, and even stuffed the damn thing. I just kept telling myself that I was going to have to learn how to do this one day.. my mother won't be around forever. Soo I also took the time while the turkey cooked to vacuum the apartment, do two loads of laundry, and clean the kitchen about 10 times. I seriously felt like a housewife. But as the smell of turkey filled the apartment, it started to feel like a home. Which I haven't gotten in a long time. For dinner I made turkey, stuffing, green beans, cranberry and gravy. Annabelle made mashed potatoes because mine always turn out lumpy. And of course for dessert we had apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Best Dinner Ever. All things considered, I don't think it was a bad Thanksgiving at all. And the thing that amazed me was my mother always said the judge of a good cook was when they are able to get everything out of the kitchen and warm all at the same time. Well two nights in a row I was able to get the entire meal out, all hot at the same time. I know, it made me feel awesome. I was in bed by 10 though, because I've had this cold coming on for a few days and after making the meal and cleaning and such I was just exhausted.

Sunday, I woke to find a day that meant in the Bush/Kelleher house, you stay in bed and watch movies all day. It was gray, dark, rainy and freezing. Soo I woke up around 12, watching a scary movie with Sean, and then worked on my feminism final for a bit, had thanksgiving dinner again and then watched Love Actually and passed out. It's lovely doing nothing and not having anywhere in particular you need to be.

This week is going to be full of studying though, I had exams next Monday and Tuesday. I am a bit worried because they are all essay questions and they count for 80% of the class. Hopefully they will take pity on my American soul. I'm off for a nap though, I got up at 8 and helped Aunt Mary run Aideen's preschool class for 3 hours. It was nice being around little kids again. They are a lot of fun and they are far less complicated human beings. I sometimes forget how much fun it can be to look at the world thru the eyes of a little kid.

Good Afternoon Ireland, Good Morning America.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Things to be thankful for..

As I was wondering the streets of Paris, we started talking about how we couldn't die today because there were things people wanted to see and do . I think it was in regards to going to some country or something or about how we didn't want to be stabbed by gypsies on the streets of Paris. But as Steph and Tom listed off all the places and things that they wanted to do before they died. I remember thinking to myself: If today was my last day on Earth I would only ask that I could see my family one last time. To which Steph and Tom looked at me like I had 3 heads. I feel like since being in Dublin and in Europe.. I've realized that its the little things that matter the most. You never know how good you've got it until its gone. And at the end of the day, you can see the world. you can stand on mountains looking down at everything you have accomplished but if there isn't someone standing next to you or someone waiting at the bottom for you.. I feel like it didn't really matter. One of my favorite songs is by Brandi Carlile "The Story" and in it she says:

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

I guess on this Thanksgiving, I understand what she meant. If you don't have at least one person in this world who understands your short comings and still takes you as you are. Issues, phobias, annoying tendencies and all then nothing else really matters.

Good Afternoon Dublin and Good Morning America.